Week 6 - Improving Professional Correspondence

To: T. Leoni, Manager, Personnel Department 
From: Donald Pryzblo, Manager, Data Processing Department 
Subject: Incorrect Payroll Checks 
               
Mr. Leoni,


I have been reviewing the  previously discussed errors in the computer files.


After further investigating the errors, I have the necessary documents to show that they did not originate from the source you may have previously suspected. It seems the majority of the errors were made by your clerks. I can show you the documents necessary to prove that the majority of the errors did not originate from my people. It would seem that upon receipt of the time tickets by my people, previous errors had already been made.


You and I discussed requiring my computer operators to perform the very time-consuming task of comparing their entries against the time sheets from which your clerks are miscopying.


This is a very labor intensive task and I feel it is unnecessary. All of our resources are being used at the moment, but if we can arrange a meeting I can show you the documents which note the source of the errors and we can avoid the hassle of putting in the work to compare the entries when, as I said before, I feel it is without a doubt not necessary.


After our meeting I believe you will feel confident that the source of the errors lie with your clerks and I can help you decide how best to handle the situation.


I recommend that you tell your clerks to review their work carefully before giving it to the computer operators.


Thank you for your time sir
Donald Pryzblo, Manager, Data Processing Department


Summary of changes:

The first change I made to the email was the subject line. In my opinion it is not very professional to write the subject in all capital letters as it was previously. It can also set the wrong tone before the recipient even begins to read the email.

It is important to address the recipient in the beginning of the email so I added a salutation with his name in the beginning.

I removed the quotes from "errors" as again it may give off the wrong impression or imply that you're purposely being sarcastic.

I completely reworded the body to have less of an angry inflection or an email meant to place blame and more of a let me explain the reasons and give you proof of the errors source so we can get the problem taken care of feel.

I added a professional closing and signature.

In closing I feel that my edited version of the email will be much more effective in aiding the recipient to see my point of view. The original email was quite hostile and you could tell the preparer was probably frustrated or angry. Allowing your personal feelings to take control of you in a professional situation like the above is never a good idea. I made the email more professional in general and removed the blame placing angry feel. I'm quite sure the revised email will achieve the desired results.